Reflection

Now that I actually have the time to blog again I cannot help, but to go back and re-read all of my posts. My life has been quite the roller coaster ride over the past 3 1/2 years. We are so quick to forget all the little things, hence the reason I enjoyed blogging my journey so much. I am sad that I haven't blogged much over the past 18 months, because although I was emerged in school a lot has happened, but I haven't blogged about it.

Blogging was my outlet during the most trying time in my life. There were so many "what ifs" but in the end it doesn't matter. I will never understand how I didn't see it coming or how I was left with an empty house, a half empty closet and an ache in my gut the size of Texas because nobody told told me.

 Sometimes I wonder if I haven't completely moved on because of the lack of closure, or if I will never be able to because I am left with so many unanswered questions. Actually, all my questions are left unanswered. I don't have a single explanation.

 One of the most heartfelt, meaningful blog posts I ever wrote was called "Broken Ribs" and I remember writing it like it was yesterday. It went a little something like this  . . .

"It's 2 a.m. in the morning, I'm wearing his sweatshirt because it smells like him and drowning in my own tears. I've been there. I've been the saddest girl in the world, with a mangled heart and the certainty of getting over him was impossible. It's hard being that girl that is so incapable of giving me what I need out of a relationship. I not only married him, but gladly gave away every last shed of my self-esteem to be with him."

"On the outside I wear the illusion that I am over it, but let the truth be told it's a charade, all smoke and mirrors and empty words. Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing is wrong, but with every breath it hurts. Let's just say my ribs are broken."

The past is the past for a reason. I don't have any intentions of going back for answers. I just have to keep trucking forward and that is exactly my plan. ♥