So, there I am, wondering if I should opt for a life that was pre-planned or do something extraordinary.
More than often, I'm torn in between what is the truth and what is false when deciding on what to do. I have to admit, sometimes, I am pretty indecisive and due to that, a lot of misunderstandings come about. As a result, I disappoint people around me when I am trying to be myself.
I do realize there are times when I try to be honest, there are people who can't accept that I'm being too straight-forward in telling them how I feel towards certain things.
So, what is the nonsense about honesty or being myself when others don't seem to be able to accept the person who is standing right in front of them?
This especially applies when you've finally gathered enough courage to let the other person know how much you care about him, but somehow or rather, he or she starts to avoid you after knowing the truth. Does it mean all these times, you are pretending to care about me even if you did tell me how much you care about me before?
It does strike me how much I am affected on this very day, the 3rd of August, when today is our anniversary. I've been feeling really bad throughout the past few days and wishing all this never happened. I wish I could turn back the time to the very moment when we did not know each other.
Perhaps, if our paths did not intervene, all the heartbreaks would never have happen. I could still be the carefree and happy me while you can still be your arrogant, self-centered self. Perhaps if we did not come across each other, our lives would be better.
I've always thought you are somehow different from all the jerks that I've met before because you've given me courage to live on everyday with smiles from the moment I've known you.
Those words still linger within me now, waiting to be freed because, I don't think I'll be needing any of those promises that you've never meant to keep. Perhaps, those promises are meant for another girl. . .
Do you realize how much I wish you could at least be honest with me regarding how you've felt? All I have ever asked for was answers. I guess I will never know the answer this lifetime. Even though I do know that the truth hurts, I'd rather you choose to be honest with me.
Do you know how much I anticipated for your replies every other day and how I wished you were the person I see every morning when I wake up?
You've promised you'd stay but in the end, you left.
You've promised you'd never be far away but in the end, you walked further away.
You've promised you'd always be there if I need you to but in the end, you weren't there when I really need you to.
You've promised a thousand promises but in the end, all those promises never came true.
You left me with nothing but a broken heart and a pile of bills.
Walking away isn't the easiest thing, but since you and I were not meant to be, there is no point to drag on. It pains me even though I know you don't feel a thing. If you do feel something, perhaps, you should have approached me and talked to me about it, but you did not.
You've chosen to walk out of my life and now you must stay there. For good.
Where is the honesty that you've told me about?
Where is the non-judgmental trait that you've told me about?
Where is the 'I-am-not-gonna-hide' personality you've told me about?
You left me with nothing but a broken and disappointed heart, knowing that I've chosen to trust you when in reality, I should not have.
Maybe it is my fault - I shouldn't have entered your life, I shouldn't have tried to make you so happy, I shouldn't have been expecting more than what you were able to give, I shouldn't have felt anything back then...
I was too naive and perhaps, stupid and idiotic as well.
Now that I've gotten my heart broken and once again, my faith towards L-O-V-E was ruined, I will just walk away silently. Sometimes, silence is gold and ignorance is bliss. Perhaps, that could be the reason why you've chosen to ignore instead of facing the reality which could hurt both of us.
So, I HOPE this will be the very last last entry in which I will ever mention you. This will also be the last ever entry that I will rant about how much you've meant to me and how scared I was at the thought of losing you and eventually, I've lost you.
Perhaps when one of these days when you've bumped into Miss Right, treat her right, appreciate her and stay honest with her. Please do not ignore her if anything crops up. Try being open and honest, don't sneak around, don't hide things and lie to her face. Every woman deserves better than that. Nobody in this world will ever stick by your side though thick and thin like I did and continued to do until very recently.
Even in my darkest moment did I ever doubt the intuition of marriage and the sanctity of it. Marriage is a beautiful thing and I do believe that it can work, but it takes two people who are truly and utterly committed to making it work. The minute one person gives up trying it's over. I have come to realize that there is nothing I could have do differently. Nothing. Failure of a marriage is NOT always the fault of both parties. I did everything right and I am able to walk away with my head held high knowing that I did what I could do to save it. This particular marriage didn't work, but that in no way means that the next one won't.
With this... it means goodbye...
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